No. 7 - Acceptance
Acceptance is a transformative process that is inherent in mindfulness practice. Acceptance can be applied to inner experiencing (e.g., thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations) and to our external context (life circumstances). Acceptance involves receiving or “taking what is offered”. It is based on the common sense principal captured in a few lines of the famous Serenity Prayer, paraphrased as follows: accept the things that cannot be changed, change the things which can be changed or controlled, and grow in the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Our inner experiencing and aspects of our life circumstances cannot be changed in the long-term, therefore, acceptance is the most adaptive response to these uncontrollable elements. I will focus mostly on accepting inner experiencing, which is the most challenging, with only a brief mention of accepting the uncontrollable aspects of our life circumstances.
Our inner experiencing cannot be controlled because it ebbs and flows spontaneously and is shaped by a complex network of dynamic interactions involving our history, genetics, biology, personality, temperament and present circumstances. Our inner experiencing is strongly influenced by our past life experiences. Fragments of our past arise in the present and interact with our present context. We can’t change or control our past. So based on the above-mentioned widely accepted common sense principal, acceptance is the most adaptive response to inner experiencing. Yet we typically find this very difficult to do.
The aspects of our inner experiencing we find most difficult to accept are distressing thoughts, feelings, urges, memories and bodily sensations. Our default response when they arise is to ‘fix it’ via fighting, suppressing or pushing them away. While fixing things may work in the external world (e.g., fixing a leaking tap), the ‘fix-it’ mentality is not effective when dealing with internal experiences. Trying to ‘fix’ distress only entangles us further in it.
We use these struggle strategies because they often provide temporary relief. For example, when I suppress a distressing thought, I experience some immediate relief. However, these struggle strategies intensify the discomfort and cause rebound effects in the longer term. Painful thoughts and feelings are an inevitable part of life, they don’t need to be ‘fixed’. We can make room for them, and if we don’t, they will simply become more entrenched in our daily living. This is consistent with the ‘Rule of Private Events’- ‘if you are not willing to have discomfort you will have it even more’.
Accepting inner experiencing occurs in the present. It involves making peace with, providing space for, and embracing inner experiencing. It entails opening the hand of inner experiencing to willingly receive all that life offers, without defence. In my book I use the term ‘eating’ to refer to this process rather than the more frequently used term ‘embracing’, because the latter implies interpersonal liking and affection, whereas eating is a neutral, natural, life sustaining process. And sometimes we eat things that we dislike because they are nutritious and support our health.
Acceptance provides the space for inner discomfort to settle, fade and pass naturally. If we accept and don’t struggle with unpleasant emotions, they gradually fade away. By allowing emotions to come and go without investing time and energy in fight or flight strategies, you can focus on engaging in values-based action.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like your unpleasant inner experiencing. It just means you stop struggling with it – you simply let it unfold naturally and acknowledge how it is right here and now, in this moment.
Acceptance is not putting up with something, or gritting your teeth and bearing it. It is not passive resignation, giving up or admitting defeat. It is the gusty, courageous embracing of reality in the moment.
Acceptance is an ongoing life-long process that involves opening up to the dynamic continuous unfolding of life in the present. On this journey we can actively cultivate an accepting, soft, gentle malleable orientation to self, past, present and future.
There is a life paradox associated with acceptance and change; accepting what is, without changing it, enables change. To improve your life you must first accept it. The mountain climbing metaphor depicts this paradox. When climbing a mountain you first need to find a firm foothold - acceptance is like finding that firm foothold. Once you have a firm foothold, you can then take the next step. Acceptance prepares you for taking effective action in your life; acceptance and effective action are two sides of the one coin. Accepting your situation – as it is, here and now –enables you to take effective action now. Once you have accepted how your life is in this moment, you will have a wider perspective on reality, which places you in a better position for taking action and changing those things that can be changed. In my book I gave many examples of ‘eating’ pain while also engaging in effective functional behaviour. Acceptance does not mean that we remain gazing at our navel; it positions us for action.
Painful emotions are particularly challenging to accept. However, they are essential for our survival; they provide us with important information about ourselves and our context. Emotions are vital aspects of our life – we can’t pick and choose which ones to have. All emotions have their rightful place in our lives. However, we tend to judge them as “good/positive" or "bad/negative". These are just mind judgements. No emotion is inherently good/positive or bad/negative; an emotion is what it is – a sensed experience in the present. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. You may think you should feel a certain way, or others may tell you how you should feel, but that is just “thinking”. Humans have a magnificent capacity to experience the full gamut of emotions, from those that are painful to those that are joyous. Emotions have life energy. They can be a source of creativity and vigour. Embracing our emotions helps us more fully appreciate and experience our existence. Emotions are like the weather - they are always present and constantly changing. They come and go - a stream of constantly changing sensations continuously passing through your body.
Acceptance is also the most adaptive response to our external life circumstances that can’t be changed or controlled (e.g., a relationship breakup, getting retrenched, being diagnosed with a health problem). To fight against an external reality that can’t be changed, is like hitting your head against the proverbial brick wall; reality always wins. Sometimes we make decisions not to change life circumstances that can in fact can be changed (e.g., a problematic relationship). In such cases, we must make peace with our decision and accept what we have decided not to change.
Although acceptance is inherent in mindfulness practice, it can also be cultivated with a variety of techniques. One that I often use when I experience a wave of intense inner discomfort is called SNACE. It involves 5 steps:
Stop
Notice (the unwanted feeling, thought, bodily sensation, memory, or image)
Centre (attend to the breath)
Allow (Let go of any struggle)
Engage (in functional behaviour)
In my book I give numerous examples of how I use this acceptance strategy to make room for passing pain. It helps to create an image of the location and form that the unwanted inner experiencing takes (e.g., colour, shape, temperature and or weight). Then you have a clearer target for the acceptance. In my book, I frequently mention a reoccurring painful experience which I call the abyss. I describe the location and form of the abyss in detail. I also supplement this acceptance strategy with supportive acceptance self-talk, such as “I can make room for this pain”, “It will pass”.
Acceptance is a skill that can only be developed through practicing it.
-Kenneth Pakenham PhD