No. 12 - Gratitude
Gratitude involves appreciating the gifts of life with reverence. With respect to my book, The Trauma Banquet, it is integral to the ‘feasting on life’ process.
Gratitude has been highlighted by positive psychology as a human strength. Research evidence shows that it is associated with better physical and mental health and more satisfying relationships.
Gratitude involves appreciating what we have in our lives right now, including the simple pleasures. It is associated with a sense of contentment and even abundance. It regulates our insatiable appetite to feel happier or more satisfied by continually reaching for bigger, better, and more. Gratitude helps us refocus on what we have, instead of what we lack or want more of.
We tend to quickly adapt to the people and pleasant things in our lives and then take them for granted. As a result, we often overlook everyday beauty and goodness. Practicing gratitude protects us from this sluggish comfortable complacency. Gratitude signals being awake, alert and connected to the gifts of life around us.
Gratitude can be directed at anything, whether tangible or intangible, including others, our circumstances, ourselves, nature, the community etc. Gratitude involves an acknowledgement of the goodness in our lives and the universe. With this perspective comes glimmers of recognition that the source of that goodness lies, at least partially, outside of us. This offers a sense of connection to something larger than self— whether to other people, nature, or a higher power. For this reason, in positive psychology, gratitude is a human strength related to the virtue of transcendence.
Gratitude may also be directed to our suffering. For example, we can be grateful for those hardships that have spawned valued personal qualities such as insight, wisdom, patience, and humility. However, being grateful for the gifts of life within adversity is challenging. Yet, gratitude can energize, heal, and bring hope during crises and provide some of the fuel to ‘bounce back’ from adversity. A critical message in my book is the appreciation of the gift of life in inner pain. At age 13 I committed to extracting life from my difficulties. My grateful reverence for the life in my pain energised me, sustained my belief in the goodness inherent in all life, and oriented me towards possibility. This transcendent aspect of gratitude is often overshadowed by the emphasis on its ‘feel good’ qualities.
For me, gratitude prompts a sense of humility. It reminds me of my place in the larger interdependent network of life and how I am sustained by it. I feel grateful and honoured that the goodness of life should touch me.
We can all find things to be grateful for in life but most of us pay little attention to them. Many of us are inclined to take the gifts of life for granted or spend our mental energy on our problems and stressors. Gratitude is a choice. We can train up the orientation to choose gratefulness rather than regret, criticism or being absorbed in unhelpful mental material. We can practice gratitude which guards against these tendencies and sensitizes us to moments of spontaneous gratitude.
Listed below are some widely used gratitude practices that have been supported by research. Practicing these gratitude strategies teaches us to notice, savour and remember the gifts of life. They prompt us to pay closer attention to the goodness of life, which promotes fully engaged living in the moment and later on, when we can reminisce and share these experiences with others.
It is important where possible to substantiate the inner experiencing of gratitude by expressing it. For this reason, many of the gratitude strategies involve expressing gratitude through writing or speaking. But gratitude may be expressed in many other ways including tender touching, hugging, kissing, painting, music, song etc.
Gratitude practice is most likely to be effective when it is driven by our personal values. Practicing some of the gratitude strategies may feel forced or mechanical if the expression of gratitude is not linked to personal values. Gratitude is likely to flow naturally when we understand how it is yoked to our personal values in a particular context. So before practicing a gratitude strategy, clarify your personal values across life domains and consider how expressing gratitude fits with these values. Refer to my blog on Connecting to Values.
Many gratitude exercises emphasise the expression of positive feelings or engaging in gratitude to generate positive emotions. However, gratitude is a deep appreciation of aspects of life that we value that is not dependent on feelings. You may express gratitude even when you don’t feel grateful because it is based on a personal value. For example, because you have a relationship value about appreciating and respecting your partner, you may choose to tell your partner you appreciate them, while distracted by work stress.
Cultivating Gratitude
At the beginning or end of your day, write down a list of things you can be grateful for in the previous day.
Write and send a thank-you message to someone.
Keep a gratitude journal.
Listing three things that have happened in your day that you can be grateful for and consider what caused them.
At the end of each day reflect on the question ‘What am I grateful for today?’ Remember gratitude can be direct at another person, circumstances, something about yourself, nature or other aspects of living and life.
-Kenneth Pakenham PhD